So I have come out of the murky waters of my emotional drowning. I've begun to smile again, and that is such a nice feeling. I've met someone new, who I'm really starting to be interested in. He's a total goofball and is so very similar to myself it's nice and refreshing. We're planning a weekend together sometime soon so I'm very excited about that. ^^ It should be an interesting weekend. He's also wanting to move down to LA so when he does he wants to take me to my first Rave. Which should be fun since I'll be chained to his waste the whole time, which to be honest I wont mind in the least. ^~ So hopefully I'll have new pictures to post after all of this.

This song describes to a certain degree what I've been feeling the past few days.....It's about letting go of the bullhit that is clouding your life....


I Can Do Better
By: Avril Lavigne

Uh, yeah you can do it

I didn't give a damn
what you say to me
I don't really care what
you think of me
Cus either way you're
gonna think what you
believe
There's nothing you
could say that would
hurt me

I'm better off without you anyway
I thought it would be
hard but I'm ok
I don't need you if you're
gonna be that way
Because with me, it's
all or nothing

I'm sick of this shit, don't deny
You're a waste of time
I'm sick of this
shit, don't ask why

[ Chorus ]
I hate you now
So go away from me
You're gone, so long
I can do better, I can do better
Hey, hey you
I found myself again
That's why you're gone
I can do better, I can do better
[ Lyrics found at [link] ]

You're so full of it
I can't stand the way you act
I just can't comprehend
I don't think that
you can handle it
I'm way over, over it

I will drink as much
lemoncello as I can
And I'll do again and again and
I don't really care what
you have to say
Cus you know, you know
you're nothing

(I'm so sick)
I'm sick of this shit, don't deny
You're a waste of time
I'm sick of this
shit, don't ask why

[ Chorus ]

[ Bridge ]
What'd you say
I told you so
You know that
Cus I always know
Get outta my face
Hey hey
You're not my taste
Hey hey
I am so
Sick of you
You're on my nerves
I want to puke
Get outta my face
Hey hey
You're not my taste
Hey hey
Hey hey
Hey hey

[ Chorus X2 ]

How do I describe how totally lost and confused and abandoned I feel right now. There are so many things going on from so many different directions, I feel like I'm in a pool of endlessly deep water, tredding so I dont go under, but slowly losing my will to swim.


What happens to those in my life when I go under?
Will they even care?
Will they wonder why I let go?
Or will they understand?
Wondering what went wrong in my life
Wondering what started it all
All the pain, all the misery
Wanting to finally let go
Wanting to finally feel free

It's been four days since I last talked to Chris and I'm so scared that he has let go without saying goodbye to me. I think thats the one thing that scares me above everything else is losing him before I can say goodbye. I feel like breaking down in tears every minute, sometimes it gets too hard to hold them back. Everyone around me sees this not exactly happy but not unhappy person when I'm dying on the inside. I listened to our songs today and the last song on Within Temptations 'Heart of Everything' cd is called Forgiven and I must not have really listened to the lyrics before now because it just seemed to fit how I have been feeling lately. I'm going to put the lyrics in here.


Forgiven

Couldn’t save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Time has passed you by

Oh, for so long I’ve tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn’t face the freedom on your own
Here I am left in silence

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that’s done’s forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that’s done’s forgiven

I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can’t warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away

Oh, for so long I’ve tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn’t face the freedom on your own
And here I am left in silence

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that’s done’s forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that’s done’s forgiven

I’ve been so lost since you’ve gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that’s done’s forgiven
You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that’s done’s forgiven





This song is just incredible.

The tears threaten to fall

Everytime you say you'll call

The misery crawling inside me

Seems like it will never leave me

You hold the knife

That pierced my heart

That now threatens to tear me apart

As i hold my broken and bleeding heart

You begin to laugh and smile

What a pathetic wretch i must seem

To have loved you for so long

To have believed for so long

That you would someday admit to me

What you truely felt for me

Now that you have

My heart breaks

It withers up and turns bitter

Icey cold it breaks

It shatters into a million pieces

Threatening to ruin a love that will forever be onesided

That will never come to pass

She curses love and all the pain it brings

She whispers it will never happen again

She encases her battered bleeding heart in a wall of ice and stone

Never to be breached or broken down

Never would another pass through

Nor discover what was beneath the mask

Forever her true self would disappear

She would become the smiling happy child again

Never to be betrayed again

Never to be loved again

Never to love again



3/24/07



Behind the mask is where i hide

Ikeep these feelings trapped deep inside

My broken and beaten heart is lost forever

Never to return

Frozen in misery

Wounded to the core

Lost in memories

Breaking down

Emotions shutting off

Rebuilding the wall

Love is not in the stars for me

Not now

Not ever at all

~an unamed benediction~


3/24/07



Looking in the mirror

What do i see

The face of a smiling stranger

Looking back at me





Why am i not crying

Why havent i ceased to be

Why do i still love him

Will i ever be free





I've cried a thousand bloody tears

Yet my heart refuses to heal.......





Trying to forget

Trying to heal

Just hoping that one day

I'll once again be able to feel



(meant to be seperate pieces but sound good meshed together)

3/24/07





The blank page sits empty before me

Waiting to be filled with tales of misery

It wants to know the secrets of my broken bloody heart

To help me to finally heal and move on

The blank page sits ready and waiting

To take down my tales of woe

To listen to my pain

And absorb my bloody tears

My broken bleeding heart lays across my empty page

Staining it red, making it wet

Does filling that page help they wonder

As she sits posed to write

Her tear stained cheeks the only evidence of her misery

The only proof she once cryed

To fill that empty page she says

Would take an act of strength

Strength i no longer pocess

They watch in silent awe

As she closes the book

The page still empty

Her tears have ceased to come

They watch as she lays down

And as she closes her eyes forever

She finally succombs to her broken heart


3/24/07



[these poems were written in a very dark point in my life..those of you who know me best will know who their about]